“There’s a petition for Texas to secede. It has 25,000 signatures. The signatures are from every state but Texas.” –Conan O’Brien
“A woman in Arizona ran over her husband with her Jeep because she blamed him for Obama getting reelected. See, I don’t think the woman is being fair. If Obama hadn’t saved the auto industry, she wouldn’t have been able to run over her husband with an American-made car.” –Jay Leno
“See, when a general tells his wife, ‘I was pitching a tent in Afghanistan,” technically he’s not lying.” –Jay Leno
Dumb Ways to Die
“I was surprised to learn Abraham Lincoln was not a vampire hunter.” –Jay Leno
“Both parties in Washington now agree that our country is headed toward a ‘fiscal cliff.’ The bad news: We just elected a guy whose campaign slogan was ‘Forward.’” –Jay Leno
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